Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 1, 2010

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Thank you, Spencer Pratt, for calling off your divorce with Heidi Montag and realizing that she was made for you. Literally.

Thank you, Tiny Gourds, for somehow being an autumn home decorating home staple. Even though you look like a decorated pumpkin turd.

Thank you, First Lady of Cameroon, for looking the long lost love child of Ronald McDonald and Jakay.

Thank you, Chrysler, for firing 13 employees who were drinking at lunch. Or, as we call them at this show, writers.

Thank you, ladies who wear cute rubber boots when it rains. Who are you, the Morton salt girl? Are you five years old? No, your 45 year old, and you look like a toddler who just lost her lunch box.

Thank you, Lunch Lady Gaga, for serving me tater tots in a meat dress.

Thank you, wine cork collection. I know I never got around to making that cork board, but look how much I drink.

Thank you, my friend's cat who rubs up against me and leaves hair against me, but then runs away when I try to pet you. I've got throw pillows with more personality than you. Oh, and by the way, nice asshole.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, September 3

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Thank you, couple riding a tandem bike, for saying, "We know we look dorky, but we're trying to save the relationship.

Thank you, fall clothes, for making everybody look like they are about to go hunting in a Jane Austen novel.

Thank you, Omelette, for being a more popular way of saying, "Egg Taco".

Thank you, colorful birthday hats, for making people look like gay wizards with really fat heads.

Thank you, knife and fork, for keeping spoon in check. He made a move on my pasta last night, but you guys were there to show him what's what.

Thank you, watches, for not being called, "clock bracelets", even though that's what really what you are.

Thank you, window air conditioners, for making me feel like people are constantly spitting on me as I walk down the street.

Thank you, Labor Day weekend, for being just like Memorial Day weekend, except people seem really sick of their kids.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, August 13, 2010

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Thank you, group of volunteers in the UK who set a new world record for number of nude people who rode a rollercoaster. I just feel bad for the people waiting in line to ride it next.

Thank you, tomorrow, for being Dora the Explorer day all across America. Except for Arizona.

Thank you, Wednesday's Cat Fashion show that took place in New York City. It was awesome seeing all those cats strutting down the person walk.

Thank you, Television Academy, for allowing me to host the primetime Emmy Awards. This is such an honor and I'd like to thank all the people that made it possible. My parents, Lorne Michaels, (the music plays loudly while Jimmy thanks random people).

Thank you, guy standing in front of me in the elevator at work this morning who I basically spooned with standing up. If only the elevator was playing some Ke$ha instead that music, I would have been all up in that piece.

Thank you, mole on my hand. At first, I was disappointed you were there, but now, I'm glad you're growing on me.

Thank you, Cool Ranch Doritos, for being so delicious that I forget that you make my breath smell like dragon barf for the next seven hours after I eat you.

Thank you, Slayer, for performing on my show this week. That's a pretty badass name. You know what is a more badass name than Slayer? Slater.

(Jimmy then sings a song)

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 30, 2010

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Thank you, the term "outstanding debt", for making it sound awesome to owe people money.

Thank you, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, for releasing a beautiful line of necklaces for Kay Jewelers that also happen to look like bedazzled nutsacks.

Thank you, German tourists, for finally answering the question, "Who uses the waiststrap on backpacks?"

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 23, 2010

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Thank you, inception, for being a movie I bet Sarah Palin thinks is about getting pregnant.

Thank you, China, for selling Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $44 a bottle. I know we owe you like billions of dollars, so how about we send you a couple cases of crappy beer and call it even.

Thank you, J. Crew catalogs, for declaring to the world, "You too can dress like Potsie from Happy Days".

Thank you, Lifetime Achievement Awards, for being a nice way of saying, "You are about to die".

Thank you, the sound of banjos, for making me snap my fingers and wiggle my toes, and making me feel like I'm going to get violated by a toothless hillbilly.

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow's gonna suck.

Thank you, guy at a urinal going to shake my hand with one hand while doing his business with the other. Life is short, buddy, but it ain't that short.

Thank you, calculator watches, for allowing me to combine my three greatest passions: telling time, doing math, and dressing like a space captain.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 16, 2010

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Thank you, Lance Armstrong, for competing in another Tour de France even though you're 40 years old. That takes a lot of ball.

Thank you, Mel Gibson, for giving me a great idea for What Women Want 2. Not Mel Gibson.

Thank you, guy who freaked out after seeing a double rainbow. What does it mean? It means the mushrooms are kicking in.

Thank you, the YMCA, for officially changing your name to The Y. I can't wait to hear your new song by the Village Person.

Thank you, People Magazine, for giving the Roots four stars for their new album "How I Got Over". And also, thank you for not including James in the picture.

Thank you, neighbors who put up a sign that says, "We don't swim in your toilet so don't pee in our pool". Pretty clever, but that's not stopping me.

Thank you, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh, for joining Pat Riley in Miami. You guys are like the new Golden Girls.

Thank you, BP, for finally cleaning up the oil spill. You know, I originally wrote this thank you note a month and a half ago.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 25, 2010

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Thank you, Helen Mirren, for posing topless on the cover of New York Magazine. It's good to see that you're still a member of SAG.

Thank you, NBC's Go Healthy Week, for being on the same week as Late Night With Jimmy Fallon's Video Game week. Did you know that you can burn 0.001% of one calorie when pushing a button? (Go Healthy Week graphic plays)

Thank you, my Driver's License photo, for reminding me that I look exactly like a homeless serial killer.

Thank you, brisk rejuvenating five mile run I had this morning - in my dreams. And when I woke up, I found a bear claw at Starbucks.

Thank you, handkerchiefs, for being a fancy way of saying, "I blow my nose into a tiny pillowcase in my pocket.

Thank you, gym that I go to. On the plus side, your treadmills have TV's on them. On the downside, your TV's have treadmills on them.

Thank you, wooden nutcrackers that look like soldiers. I guess that Don't Ask, Don't Tell doesn't exist in your army. Otherwise you wouldn't be so Cavalier about putting all those nuts in your mouth.