Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 30, 2010

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Thank you, the term "outstanding debt", for making it sound awesome to owe people money.

Thank you, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, for releasing a beautiful line of necklaces for Kay Jewelers that also happen to look like bedazzled nutsacks.

Thank you, German tourists, for finally answering the question, "Who uses the waiststrap on backpacks?"

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 23, 2010

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Thank you, inception, for being a movie I bet Sarah Palin thinks is about getting pregnant.

Thank you, China, for selling Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $44 a bottle. I know we owe you like billions of dollars, so how about we send you a couple cases of crappy beer and call it even.

Thank you, J. Crew catalogs, for declaring to the world, "You too can dress like Potsie from Happy Days".

Thank you, Lifetime Achievement Awards, for being a nice way of saying, "You are about to die".

Thank you, the sound of banjos, for making me snap my fingers and wiggle my toes, and making me feel like I'm going to get violated by a toothless hillbilly.

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow's gonna suck.

Thank you, guy at a urinal going to shake my hand with one hand while doing his business with the other. Life is short, buddy, but it ain't that short.

Thank you, calculator watches, for allowing me to combine my three greatest passions: telling time, doing math, and dressing like a space captain.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 16, 2010

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Thank you, Lance Armstrong, for competing in another Tour de France even though you're 40 years old. That takes a lot of ball.

Thank you, Mel Gibson, for giving me a great idea for What Women Want 2. Not Mel Gibson.

Thank you, guy who freaked out after seeing a double rainbow. What does it mean? It means the mushrooms are kicking in.

Thank you, the YMCA, for officially changing your name to The Y. I can't wait to hear your new song by the Village Person.

Thank you, People Magazine, for giving the Roots four stars for their new album "How I Got Over". And also, thank you for not including James in the picture.

Thank you, neighbors who put up a sign that says, "We don't swim in your toilet so don't pee in our pool". Pretty clever, but that's not stopping me.

Thank you, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh, for joining Pat Riley in Miami. You guys are like the new Golden Girls.

Thank you, BP, for finally cleaning up the oil spill. You know, I originally wrote this thank you note a month and a half ago.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 25, 2010

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Thank you, Helen Mirren, for posing topless on the cover of New York Magazine. It's good to see that you're still a member of SAG.

Thank you, NBC's Go Healthy Week, for being on the same week as Late Night With Jimmy Fallon's Video Game week. Did you know that you can burn 0.001% of one calorie when pushing a button? (Go Healthy Week graphic plays)

Thank you, my Driver's License photo, for reminding me that I look exactly like a homeless serial killer.

Thank you, brisk rejuvenating five mile run I had this morning - in my dreams. And when I woke up, I found a bear claw at Starbucks.

Thank you, handkerchiefs, for being a fancy way of saying, "I blow my nose into a tiny pillowcase in my pocket.

Thank you, gym that I go to. On the plus side, your treadmills have TV's on them. On the downside, your TV's have treadmills on them.

Thank you, wooden nutcrackers that look like soldiers. I guess that Don't Ask, Don't Tell doesn't exist in your army. Otherwise you wouldn't be so Cavalier about putting all those nuts in your mouth.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, June 18, 2010

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Thank you, Celtics star Paul Pierce, for having the heart of a champion, and the facial hair of a 7th grader who just hit puberty.

Thank you, summer barbecues, fow always having fun family games like horseshoes, croquet, and let's see how many daiquiris Grandma can drink before she gets racist.

Thank you, fancy restaurant wine list, for providing me with plenty of notable choices to ignore while I look for the second-least expensive bottle on the menu.

Thank you, Father's Day, for being the entire reason the Brookstone store exists. Whether it's a personal foot massager or a motorized tie rack, a grill fork, or a motorized tie rack massager grill fork combination. Brookstone's got you covered.

Thank you, weird chest hair at summer pool parties, for making me tell my niece, "No, that's not a Daddy Longlegs, that's four wiry hairs growing out of my nipple".

Thank you, lucky rabbit's foot. Nothing brings me more chronic luck that clutching the severed foot of an unlucky bunny.

Thank you, company in Colorado that created Vegan-friendly condoms, for making it much safer for vegetarians to put meat in their body.

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Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 11, 2010

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Thank you, Rafael Nadal, for winning your 5th French Open, and still being less famous in our country than Snooki.

Thank you, the World Cup, for being the best thing besides America's Funniest Home Videos to see balls getting kicked.

Thank you, group of speedwalkers, for looking like a highly focused and technical race to a bathroom.

Thank you, teddy bears, for being way less judgmental than real bears when I try to spoon with you.

Thank you, female paparazzi, for not calling yourself "Mamarazzi".

Thank you, BP, for saying that the oil spill should decrease to a relative trickle by Monday or Tuesday. You know, I saw a relative trickle once. I was ten years old and Grandpa forgot to shut the bathroom door.

Thank you, millipedes, for being approximately ten times more awesome than centipedes.

Thank you, people who wear mirrored sunglasses. It's like I'm looking at you, looking at myself, looking at you, looking at myself, wait, WHO AM I?!?

Thank you, man in Washington who accidentally shot himself in the testicles at a hardware store. Welcome to Ace Hardware, the bolts are in aisle 4, the nuts are splattered all across aisle 7.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, May 28, 2010

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Thank you, Bill Clinton, for being rear ended in a fender bender this week. Oh, how the tables have turned! The rear ender is the rear endee!

Thank you, Sex and the City 2, for being the office version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

Thank you, recent college graduates, for crowding the city to celebrate. My vomit dodging skills were getting a little rusty, so thank you.

Thank you, mini-fridges, for making me feel like Shaq whenever I grab a yogurt.

Thank you, 2-year old boy in Indonesia who smokes. I don't believe in spanking, but his parents could use an ass-whooping.

Thank you, roosters, for being nature's way of saying, "Wake up, you lazy a-holes".

Thank you, guy in the elevator who stared into my eyes as the door shut on me. I would call your name, but I don't want to jeopardize your job playing tuba for The Roots.

Thank you, beach season, for helping us identify the people completely incapable of shame.