Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 18, 2010

TRANSCRIPT
----------
Thank you, Larry King, for making cougars feel like jailbait.

Thank you, girls who wear jeans tucked into their boots, for rocking a look that's only looks appropriate on a German army base or the deck of the Millenium fountain.

Thank you, National Library Week. I'm sorry. (whispers) Thank you National Library Week.

Thank you, spring cleaning, for being a great way to organize your home, and a horrible way to say you got enema.

Thank you, pens at the bank, for being attached to a tiny chain on the desk. Don't worry, nobody's gonna steal you, you germstick.

Thank you, skinny dude with long beautiful hair, for making me say, "Man, I gotta get a better look at this WOAH!".

Thank you, people who make me take my shoes off when I visit your house. I hope everyone feels uncomfortable and everything smells like feet.

Thank you, Kleenex lotion tissues, for not telling us how you got the idea for combining lotion and tissues.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, December 11, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
----------
Thank you, Oprah, for hosting a Christmas special at the White House this Sunday. Not everyone gets to sit down with the leader of the free world. So I'm sure Obama's really excited.

Thank you, office Christmas parties. In these times of economic stress and uncertainty, it's important that employees can come together and find out who the biggest slut in the county is.

Thank you, new MTV reality show Jersey Shore, for making Italian-Americans remember the good-old days of being stereotyped as murderers and racketeers.

Thank you, guy whose chair made a farting noise, for prompting him to spend the next 20 minutes awkwardly shifting around trying to recreate the noise to prove that it was the chair that made the noise.

Thank you, little kid who pushes the little button on the Santa Claus at the drug store. Go ahead, just keep on pushing it so I can hear the electronic version of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" over and over and over again. Wait, stop pushing the button so I can tell you a secret. Santa isn't real.

Thank you, radiator next to my bed. The noises you make resound in my head. The gurgling, the knocking, the hissing and clanging. The whistling, the churdling, the ringing and banging. They wake me and plague me such as the norm. But this ancient device keeps me toasty and warm.

Thank you, guy who buys an entire outfit from one store. You clearly saw the mannequin and thought, "That's the one".

Thank you, computer desktop backround of a beach that has slowly been obscured by several document icons. Now, instead of a tropical paradise, you are an island hell where I'm forced to work all day.

Thank you, Christmas family newsletters that fills my day with important info, like "Great news, Carolyn got her braces off", and, "Great news, Aaron made the basketball team". Well, I've got news for you. NOBODY GIVES A S#%&!