Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, September 18, 2009

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Thank you, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke, for saying that the recession is "most likely over". Nothing puts me at ease and restores my confidence like a nice firm "most likely".

Thank you, celebrity couple nicknames, for not naming the Jennifer Aniston - Gerard Butler relationship "Anis-But".

Thank you, people you may know on Facebook, for introducing me to someone that I actually don't want to know. You should be more accurately titled, "People I do know, but am avoiding".

Thank you, "Cocoon". Out of all the movies from the 80's featuring old people swimming in pools filled with alien pods, you are by far the best. Everyone knows I gots to have my Gutenberg.

Thank you, internet pop-up ads, where it's impossible to find where to click to close. Or the ones that suddenly appear and block you from clicking a link you really want to click, and disappear when you move the cursor away, but reappear when you try again. You are so awesome!

Thank you, Hungary. Hey, if you're so Hungary, why don't you invade Turkey?

Thank you, hotel minibar, for charging $7 for a mini toblaron, and thank you me for eating three of them.

Thank you, posters for "Fringe". When I see you in the corner of my eye, I think you're a poster for Pringles. Hey, for what it's worth, I'd watch a sci-fi drama called "Pringles".

Thank you, toilet cleaner 2000 flushes, for not lying when you say you last for 3000 flushes. Because the truth is, you could. It's not like I'm gonna count flushes or anything. Or am I...

Thank you, my 35th birthday tomorrow, for making my audience give me a huge applause.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, September 4, 2009

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Thank you, Preseason Football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs as the regular season, but with none of the mattering.

Thank you, Bristol Palin's ex-boyfriend Levi Johnston, for announcing your intention to pose nude for Playgirl. I speak for all Americans when I say, "We don't want to see any more of Levi, and we definitely don't want to see his Johnston".

Thank you, Jon Gosselin's pool party in Vegas. You're the reason chlorine was invented.

Thank you, guy with the $10,000 sound system in his $800 car, for driving down Broadway this afternoon. You're loud, you're proud, you're in a '93 Turcel.

Thank you, Chris Brown, for wearing a bowtie on your Larry King appearance. Although I thought the black and blue combination was a little insensitive.

Thank you, guy at my dry cleaner's, for charging me $11 to clean my dress shirt. It clearly doesn't cost that much, but you know I'll pay for it anyway because I'm not sure what you do, or how much it should cost. In fact, I'm 99% sure you ironed it and put a plastic sheet over it.

Thank you, Fantasy Football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I'm bad at sports.

Thank you, newly discovered virus linked to Penile cancer, for making me say the words "Penile Cancer". I don't think I have Penile Cancer, but maybe I'm destined penile.

Thank you, guy sitting in front of me in the airplane who decided to recline his seat back all the way. Go ahead, stretch out. You should have a bed, especially if it comes at the expense of me having a lap. And every few minutes or so, why don't you try and lean back some more and jab it in and try to see if you've truly gone as far back as possible. FYI you have. Just don't blame me when I point my air nozzle at your head. Just my way of saying thanks.