Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 1, 2010

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Thank you, Spencer Pratt, for calling off your divorce with Heidi Montag and realizing that she was made for you. Literally.

Thank you, Tiny Gourds, for somehow being an autumn home decorating home staple. Even though you look like a decorated pumpkin turd.

Thank you, First Lady of Cameroon, for looking the long lost love child of Ronald McDonald and Jakay.

Thank you, Chrysler, for firing 13 employees who were drinking at lunch. Or, as we call them at this show, writers.

Thank you, ladies who wear cute rubber boots when it rains. Who are you, the Morton salt girl? Are you five years old? No, your 45 year old, and you look like a toddler who just lost her lunch box.

Thank you, Lunch Lady Gaga, for serving me tater tots in a meat dress.

Thank you, wine cork collection. I know I never got around to making that cork board, but look how much I drink.

Thank you, my friend's cat who rubs up against me and leaves hair against me, but then runs away when I try to pet you. I've got throw pillows with more personality than you. Oh, and by the way, nice asshole.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, September 3

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Thank you, couple riding a tandem bike, for saying, "We know we look dorky, but we're trying to save the relationship.

Thank you, fall clothes, for making everybody look like they are about to go hunting in a Jane Austen novel.

Thank you, Omelette, for being a more popular way of saying, "Egg Taco".

Thank you, colorful birthday hats, for making people look like gay wizards with really fat heads.

Thank you, knife and fork, for keeping spoon in check. He made a move on my pasta last night, but you guys were there to show him what's what.

Thank you, watches, for not being called, "clock bracelets", even though that's what really what you are.

Thank you, window air conditioners, for making me feel like people are constantly spitting on me as I walk down the street.

Thank you, Labor Day weekend, for being just like Memorial Day weekend, except people seem really sick of their kids.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, August 13, 2010

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Thank you, group of volunteers in the UK who set a new world record for number of nude people who rode a rollercoaster. I just feel bad for the people waiting in line to ride it next.

Thank you, tomorrow, for being Dora the Explorer day all across America. Except for Arizona.

Thank you, Wednesday's Cat Fashion show that took place in New York City. It was awesome seeing all those cats strutting down the person walk.

Thank you, Television Academy, for allowing me to host the primetime Emmy Awards. This is such an honor and I'd like to thank all the people that made it possible. My parents, Lorne Michaels, (the music plays loudly while Jimmy thanks random people).

Thank you, guy standing in front of me in the elevator at work this morning who I basically spooned with standing up. If only the elevator was playing some Ke$ha instead that music, I would have been all up in that piece.

Thank you, mole on my hand. At first, I was disappointed you were there, but now, I'm glad you're growing on me.

Thank you, Cool Ranch Doritos, for being so delicious that I forget that you make my breath smell like dragon barf for the next seven hours after I eat you.

Thank you, Slayer, for performing on my show this week. That's a pretty badass name. You know what is a more badass name than Slayer? Slater.

(Jimmy then sings a song)

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 30, 2010

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Thank you, the term "outstanding debt", for making it sound awesome to owe people money.

Thank you, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, for releasing a beautiful line of necklaces for Kay Jewelers that also happen to look like bedazzled nutsacks.

Thank you, German tourists, for finally answering the question, "Who uses the waiststrap on backpacks?"

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 23, 2010

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Thank you, inception, for being a movie I bet Sarah Palin thinks is about getting pregnant.

Thank you, China, for selling Pabst Blue Ribbon beer for $44 a bottle. I know we owe you like billions of dollars, so how about we send you a couple cases of crappy beer and call it even.

Thank you, J. Crew catalogs, for declaring to the world, "You too can dress like Potsie from Happy Days".

Thank you, Lifetime Achievement Awards, for being a nice way of saying, "You are about to die".

Thank you, the sound of banjos, for making me snap my fingers and wiggle my toes, and making me feel like I'm going to get violated by a toothless hillbilly.

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow's gonna suck.

Thank you, guy at a urinal going to shake my hand with one hand while doing his business with the other. Life is short, buddy, but it ain't that short.

Thank you, calculator watches, for allowing me to combine my three greatest passions: telling time, doing math, and dressing like a space captain.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, July 16, 2010

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Thank you, Lance Armstrong, for competing in another Tour de France even though you're 40 years old. That takes a lot of ball.

Thank you, Mel Gibson, for giving me a great idea for What Women Want 2. Not Mel Gibson.

Thank you, guy who freaked out after seeing a double rainbow. What does it mean? It means the mushrooms are kicking in.

Thank you, the YMCA, for officially changing your name to The Y. I can't wait to hear your new song by the Village Person.

Thank you, People Magazine, for giving the Roots four stars for their new album "How I Got Over". And also, thank you for not including James in the picture.

Thank you, neighbors who put up a sign that says, "We don't swim in your toilet so don't pee in our pool". Pretty clever, but that's not stopping me.

Thank you, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh, for joining Pat Riley in Miami. You guys are like the new Golden Girls.

Thank you, BP, for finally cleaning up the oil spill. You know, I originally wrote this thank you note a month and a half ago.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 25, 2010

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Thank you, Helen Mirren, for posing topless on the cover of New York Magazine. It's good to see that you're still a member of SAG.

Thank you, NBC's Go Healthy Week, for being on the same week as Late Night With Jimmy Fallon's Video Game week. Did you know that you can burn 0.001% of one calorie when pushing a button? (Go Healthy Week graphic plays)

Thank you, my Driver's License photo, for reminding me that I look exactly like a homeless serial killer.

Thank you, brisk rejuvenating five mile run I had this morning - in my dreams. And when I woke up, I found a bear claw at Starbucks.

Thank you, handkerchiefs, for being a fancy way of saying, "I blow my nose into a tiny pillowcase in my pocket.

Thank you, gym that I go to. On the plus side, your treadmills have TV's on them. On the downside, your TV's have treadmills on them.

Thank you, wooden nutcrackers that look like soldiers. I guess that Don't Ask, Don't Tell doesn't exist in your army. Otherwise you wouldn't be so Cavalier about putting all those nuts in your mouth.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, June 18, 2010

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Thank you, Celtics star Paul Pierce, for having the heart of a champion, and the facial hair of a 7th grader who just hit puberty.

Thank you, summer barbecues, fow always having fun family games like horseshoes, croquet, and let's see how many daiquiris Grandma can drink before she gets racist.

Thank you, fancy restaurant wine list, for providing me with plenty of notable choices to ignore while I look for the second-least expensive bottle on the menu.

Thank you, Father's Day, for being the entire reason the Brookstone store exists. Whether it's a personal foot massager or a motorized tie rack, a grill fork, or a motorized tie rack massager grill fork combination. Brookstone's got you covered.

Thank you, weird chest hair at summer pool parties, for making me tell my niece, "No, that's not a Daddy Longlegs, that's four wiry hairs growing out of my nipple".

Thank you, lucky rabbit's foot. Nothing brings me more chronic luck that clutching the severed foot of an unlucky bunny.

Thank you, company in Colorado that created Vegan-friendly condoms, for making it much safer for vegetarians to put meat in their body.

Watch the Video

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 11, 2010

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Thank you, Rafael Nadal, for winning your 5th French Open, and still being less famous in our country than Snooki.

Thank you, the World Cup, for being the best thing besides America's Funniest Home Videos to see balls getting kicked.

Thank you, group of speedwalkers, for looking like a highly focused and technical race to a bathroom.

Thank you, teddy bears, for being way less judgmental than real bears when I try to spoon with you.

Thank you, female paparazzi, for not calling yourself "Mamarazzi".

Thank you, BP, for saying that the oil spill should decrease to a relative trickle by Monday or Tuesday. You know, I saw a relative trickle once. I was ten years old and Grandpa forgot to shut the bathroom door.

Thank you, millipedes, for being approximately ten times more awesome than centipedes.

Thank you, people who wear mirrored sunglasses. It's like I'm looking at you, looking at myself, looking at you, looking at myself, wait, WHO AM I?!?

Thank you, man in Washington who accidentally shot himself in the testicles at a hardware store. Welcome to Ace Hardware, the bolts are in aisle 4, the nuts are splattered all across aisle 7.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, May 28, 2010

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Thank you, Bill Clinton, for being rear ended in a fender bender this week. Oh, how the tables have turned! The rear ender is the rear endee!

Thank you, Sex and the City 2, for being the office version of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

Thank you, recent college graduates, for crowding the city to celebrate. My vomit dodging skills were getting a little rusty, so thank you.

Thank you, mini-fridges, for making me feel like Shaq whenever I grab a yogurt.

Thank you, 2-year old boy in Indonesia who smokes. I don't believe in spanking, but his parents could use an ass-whooping.

Thank you, roosters, for being nature's way of saying, "Wake up, you lazy a-holes".

Thank you, guy in the elevator who stared into my eyes as the door shut on me. I would call your name, but I don't want to jeopardize your job playing tuba for The Roots.

Thank you, beach season, for helping us identify the people completely incapable of shame.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 18, 2010

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Thank you, Larry King, for making cougars feel like jailbait.

Thank you, girls who wear jeans tucked into their boots, for rocking a look that's only looks appropriate on a German army base or the deck of the Millenium fountain.

Thank you, National Library Week. I'm sorry. (whispers) Thank you National Library Week.

Thank you, spring cleaning, for being a great way to organize your home, and a horrible way to say you got enema.

Thank you, pens at the bank, for being attached to a tiny chain on the desk. Don't worry, nobody's gonna steal you, you germstick.

Thank you, skinny dude with long beautiful hair, for making me say, "Man, I gotta get a better look at this WOAH!".

Thank you, people who make me take my shoes off when I visit your house. I hope everyone feels uncomfortable and everything smells like feet.

Thank you, Kleenex lotion tissues, for not telling us how you got the idea for combining lotion and tissues.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 9, 2010

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Thank you, Kate Gosselin, for saying you don't care what others think about you. By others, I think you mean your 8 kids.

Thank you, fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for showing me what it would look like if Jabba the Hut made it with Princess Leia.

Thank you, guy who feels it's totally cool to fart and wall away. Look dude, if you're going to paint this picture, you better prepare to stare at it.

Thank you, didgeridoos. Your sounds are vibrant, weird, and say, "Hey, you can get weed over here.

Thank you, manhole that exploded in the middle of Manhattan this week, for showing us what's gonna happen when the battle of the mole people finally goes down. And even though I'm 35, thank you for making me laugh when someone says, "Exploding manhole".

Thank you, Tiger Woods, for saying that you were blown away by all your fans.

Thank you, salad dressing, for making sure that my salads are never undressed sluts.

Thank you, really good looking people in beer ads. Who are you? The beer drinkers I know are flabby duds.

Thank you, weather and traffic, for being the two things I can always talk about with old people.

Thank you, guys in ads for erectile dysfunction medication, for looking like you are having so much fun. You know, for a bunch of dudes with non-working weiners, you sure had a lot of fun at that jazz club.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 2, 2010

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Thank you, Ricky Martin, for stunning us with the announcing that you're gay. Apparently she bangs, she bangs everyone but you.

Thank you, people who say, "Wow you're really photogenic", for not saying, "Wow, you're really ugly in person".

Thank you, antipasto, for really being against pasto.

Thank you, April Fools Day, for being the worst day to get a phone call saying you've been diagnosed with gonorrhea.

Thank you, 35-year old guy whose name is also Justin Bieber. Good luck introducing yourself to people the rest of your life.

Thank you, postcards, for ditching the envelope and letting the private message out for all the world to see.

Thank you, crutches, for showing me how people would walk if our legs came out our armpits.

Thank you, softball, for being like baseball for women and drunks.

Thank you, Lifetime Network original movies, for teaching us that anyone with a penis is probably a terrible person.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, March 26, 2010

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Thank you, Buzz Aldrin, for appearing on Season 10 of Dancing With The Stars. You've inspired children all around the world to say, "Mom, Dad, when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut who dresses up like a Mater Dee of a Mexican restaurant and calls himself "Sparkle Taco".

Thank you, heavy dudes who don't make their tie long enough, for looking like you paid me Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Thank you, bathroom attendant who hands me a towel, for making me feel guilty for not handing them a dollar. And thank you me, for lying and saying I'll hand them a dollar the next time. We both know I'm never coming back to this restaurant.

Thank you, Cleveland Indians mascot, for answering the question, "What would it be like if someone drew a picture so racist it could never be a baseball mascot?".

Thank you, me from 3 months ago, for promising that I'll get in shape during the winter. You lying sack of shit. It's 4:00, put down the Cinnabon.

Thank you, restaurants that advertise breakfast all day, for saying, "Try getting this at a place not terrible".

Thank you, motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I look like I'm waving to a wall robot.

Thank you, marshmallow Peeps, for being somehow much easier to snack on than real baby chickens.

Thank you, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, for wearing that same Ed Hardy shirt in every photo. Oh, that's your skin.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, March 12, 2010

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Thank you, Carlos Slim, who was named the World's Richest Man by Forbes Magazine, for being the only billionaire in the world with the name of a pimp.

Thank you, person I'm walking behind who happens to be walking to the same place as I am, for making me feel like I'm following them. And when I say, "I'm not following you", you don't feel at ease.

Thank you, receipts from Best Buy, for being unnecessarily long. Hey, thanks for buying the 4th season of Lost, here's a whole rain forest.

Thank you, ESPN Classic, for being a really exciting channel to watch if you just came out of a coma.

Thank you, eyebrows, for being there. Because if you weren't, we'd all look pretty weird.

Thank you, adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh on the back, for being the perfect way of saying, "Look, I'm 80 years old".

Thank you, birthday card I'm writing in the car outside of a birthday party, for proving that I need to make changes to my life. Happy birthday!

Thank you, the expression "With all due respect", for reminding me that somebody is going to tell me something with absolutely zero respect.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, March 5, 2010

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Thank you, air traffic controller at JFK, for letting your kids have something they will cherish for the rest of their lives. An unemployed father.

Thank you, yesterday, for being National Grammar Day. And sorry Grandma for the confusion.

Thank you, American Idol, for probably not being a White conspiracy, even though I just realized that Ryan Seacrest is an anagram for Aryan secrets.

Thank you, closing ceremonies of the Olympics, for looking like the World's Largest Gallagher concert.

Thank you, Oscar losers, for doing your best acting when you find out the bad news. Your forced, frozen smiles demonstrate the kind of acting you should have demonstrated when you had the chance.

Thank you, tiny children who call spaghetti pasghetti. Just because you're tiny doesn't mean you get to talk like an idiot.

Thank you, man who's suing the CBS show "The Doctors" for supposedly tricking him into having penis surgery on national TV. That was a dick move on their part. You really got the shaft. That was really wong.

Thank you, Good health avocado oil potato chips. Cut the crap, your a f@#%ing potato chip.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Wednesday, March 3, 2010 - WITH BOB COSTAS

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Thank you, men's speedskating uniforms, for leaving nothing to the imagination. We get it, it's really cold in there.

Thank you, biathlon, for having athletes ski around with rifles. We have that in America, but we call it the NBA.

Thank you, speedskaters, for simulating what it would be like if a handcuffed guy tried to get away on rollerblades.

Thank you, Apolo Ohno, for winning an American record of most medals won in an Olympics. You are to frozen water what Michael Phelps is to liquid water. Ohno he didn't! Ohno he did!

Thank you, 1/100 of a second, for apparently being a huge crapload of time.

Thank you, Bob Costas and Cris Collinsworth, for having an endless supply of dapper tweets and pocket squares. If sharp dressing was an Olympic event, you'd wipe the floor with dickbutt.

Thank you, Olympics, for being the first televised event to top American Idol in over six years. And also, Olympics and American Idol, for featuring Ellen DeGeneres.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, February 12, 2010

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Thank you, Olympic rings, for showing Fruit Loops what they can become if they apply themselves.

Thank you, figure skating, for being like if hockey could come out of the closet.

Thank you, John Mayer, for the article in Playboy, for using the n-word, calling your penis a white supremacist, and calling Jessica Simpson "sexual napalm". I really think you put that rumor of you being a douchebag to rest.

Thank you, fake drawer in my kitchen. Even though I've lived with you for ten years, you still manage to fake me out.

Thank you, hangers, for being like floating plastic shoulders.

Thank you, New York, for being the only city in America where Spiderman can do his thing. Can you imagine if Peter Parker was born in Santa Fe, New Mexico. LAME!

Thank you, 6% of male population, for admitting to passing off existing romantic poetry as your own in order to impress women. For the record, I'd like to tell my wife that I'd never do that. I'd die for you, lie for you, walk the wire for you, I'd die for you, you know it's true, that everything I do, oh babe, I'd do it for you.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, January 15, 2010

PART ONE



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Thank you, episodes of The Biggest Loser, for being two hours long. If I spent the same amount of time working out as I do watching you, I wouldn't have to wear a suit with a drawstring waistband.

Thank you, Whole Foods, for selling World CD's at your stores. They are exotic and cost $15. Like your bananas.

Thank you, TLC, for giving Kate Gosselin her own show without her kids. It'll be interesting to see how she copes with daily life without interacting with her kids. Wait, no it won't.

Thank you, people who show off their high school Spanish when ordering at a Mexican restaurant. The way you just said fajita made me feel like I was wandering the rustic streets of Guadalajara. No, I'm at a Taco Bell and you're holding up the line amigo. I'm sorry, AMIGO.

Thank you, Mark McGwire, for finally admitting that you used steroids. Now, on deck, Barry Bonds.

Thank you, tai chi, for being the perfect way to defend myself against an army of invisible, slow-motion ninjas.


PART TWO



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Thank you, Ringo Starr, for coming on my show this week. You're my favorite drummer in the whole wide world. (stares at Qwestlove and apologizes) SECOND favorite drummer.

Thank you, Victoria's Secret's new topless bikini, for looking like Andre The Giant's outfit got shrunk in the dryer.

SAID BY KERRY RHODES, JAMES THIBODEAU, AND JERRICHO COTCHERY OF THE NY JETS
Thank you, Jimmy Kimmel, for letting me come on your show. But most important, thank you, New York Jets fans for all of your support.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, January 8, 2010

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Thank you, first week in January, for being the one week of the year where there are people at the gym who are fatter than me.

Thank you, New Year's Resolutions, for being like Las Vegas wedding vows. Half-ass promises made by drunken idiots.

Thank you, Secret Service, for revealing that a third person snuck into the White House state dinner. I think I have figured out the formula for sneaking into a White House party. Step One: Go to the party.

Thank you, adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.

Thank you, guy who wore all new clothes on the first day back from Christmas break. What's up new Corduroys? I didn't know we were doing that all-Lanes End photo shoot today.

Thank you, new TSA full-body scanners, for increasing airline safety. And also, looking like ghost prom.

Thank you, NBC, for announcing that Jay Leno will be moving back to 11:30. It will be interesting to see how Jay and Conan do against Dave, and also how we do against the Perfect Push Up Commercial.

Thank you, my checked luggage. I hear you enjoyed Puerto Rico this Christmas vacation.

Thank you, TSA, for still making me take take my shoes and belt off even though I just showed you my whole nuts.