Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, January 8, 2010

TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, first week in January, for being the one week of the year where there are people at the gym who are fatter than me.

Thank you, New Year's Resolutions, for being like Las Vegas wedding vows. Half-ass promises made by drunken idiots.

Thank you, Secret Service, for revealing that a third person snuck into the White House state dinner. I think I have figured out the formula for sneaking into a White House party. Step One: Go to the party.

Thank you, adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.

Thank you, guy who wore all new clothes on the first day back from Christmas break. What's up new Corduroys? I didn't know we were doing that all-Lanes End photo shoot today.

Thank you, new TSA full-body scanners, for increasing airline safety. And also, looking like ghost prom.

Thank you, NBC, for announcing that Jay Leno will be moving back to 11:30. It will be interesting to see how Jay and Conan do against Dave, and also how we do against the Perfect Push Up Commercial.

Thank you, my checked luggage. I hear you enjoyed Puerto Rico this Christmas vacation.

Thank you, TSA, for still making me take take my shoes and belt off even though I just showed you my whole nuts.