Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, December 18, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, It's A Wonderful Life, for airing nonstop on Christmas Day. I love watching you. Even if your themes of overwhelming debt, unaffordable housing, war, and bank bailouts don't apply today.

Thank you, friend who gives me a Christmas CD on Christmas. Great timing, a-hole. I'm sure I'll play the hell out of it until it becomes useless for the next 11 months.

Thank you, pizza box, for being impossible to dispose of. Thank you for not fitting inside any trash can, trash bin, or trash chute, and thank you for spilling half-eaten crust on me whenever I try to dispose of you.

Thank you, stockings, for being a weird sock that no human could wear. Nothings says "Happy Holidays" like stealing the left sock of a giant, mutated, club-footed elf and nailing it to your fireplace.

Thank you, people who give me homemade jam as a gift. Who are we, Quakers? Exactly how much jam do you think I use? You know that it's going to sit in my fridge for three years until I need to make room for beer.

Thank you, Yes I agree to the terms and conditions box I have to click in order to install software. You know I didn't actually read the terms and conditions. As far as I know, I just clicked the box and became the new face of herpes.