Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, January 15, 2010

PART ONE



PART ONE TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, episodes of The Biggest Loser, for being two hours long. If I spent the same amount of time working out as I do watching you, I wouldn't have to wear a suit with a drawstring waistband.

Thank you, Whole Foods, for selling World CD's at your stores. They are exotic and cost $15. Like your bananas.

Thank you, TLC, for giving Kate Gosselin her own show without her kids. It'll be interesting to see how she copes with daily life without interacting with her kids. Wait, no it won't.

Thank you, people who show off their high school Spanish when ordering at a Mexican restaurant. The way you just said fajita made me feel like I was wandering the rustic streets of Guadalajara. No, I'm at a Taco Bell and you're holding up the line amigo. I'm sorry, AMIGO.

Thank you, Mark McGwire, for finally admitting that you used steroids. Now, on deck, Barry Bonds.

Thank you, tai chi, for being the perfect way to defend myself against an army of invisible, slow-motion ninjas.


PART TWO



PART TWO TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, Ringo Starr, for coming on my show this week. You're my favorite drummer in the whole wide world. (stares at Qwestlove and apologizes) SECOND favorite drummer.

Thank you, Victoria's Secret's new topless bikini, for looking like Andre The Giant's outfit got shrunk in the dryer.

SAID BY KERRY RHODES, JAMES THIBODEAU, AND JERRICHO COTCHERY OF THE NY JETS
Thank you, Jimmy Kimmel, for letting me come on your show. But most important, thank you, New York Jets fans for all of your support.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, January 8, 2010

TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, first week in January, for being the one week of the year where there are people at the gym who are fatter than me.

Thank you, New Year's Resolutions, for being like Las Vegas wedding vows. Half-ass promises made by drunken idiots.

Thank you, Secret Service, for revealing that a third person snuck into the White House state dinner. I think I have figured out the formula for sneaking into a White House party. Step One: Go to the party.

Thank you, adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.

Thank you, guy who wore all new clothes on the first day back from Christmas break. What's up new Corduroys? I didn't know we were doing that all-Lanes End photo shoot today.

Thank you, new TSA full-body scanners, for increasing airline safety. And also, looking like ghost prom.

Thank you, NBC, for announcing that Jay Leno will be moving back to 11:30. It will be interesting to see how Jay and Conan do against Dave, and also how we do against the Perfect Push Up Commercial.

Thank you, my checked luggage. I hear you enjoyed Puerto Rico this Christmas vacation.

Thank you, TSA, for still making me take take my shoes and belt off even though I just showed you my whole nuts.