Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 25, 2010

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Thank you, Helen Mirren, for posing topless on the cover of New York Magazine. It's good to see that you're still a member of SAG.

Thank you, NBC's Go Healthy Week, for being on the same week as Late Night With Jimmy Fallon's Video Game week. Did you know that you can burn 0.001% of one calorie when pushing a button? (Go Healthy Week graphic plays)

Thank you, my Driver's License photo, for reminding me that I look exactly like a homeless serial killer.

Thank you, brisk rejuvenating five mile run I had this morning - in my dreams. And when I woke up, I found a bear claw at Starbucks.

Thank you, handkerchiefs, for being a fancy way of saying, "I blow my nose into a tiny pillowcase in my pocket.

Thank you, gym that I go to. On the plus side, your treadmills have TV's on them. On the downside, your TV's have treadmills on them.

Thank you, wooden nutcrackers that look like soldiers. I guess that Don't Ask, Don't Tell doesn't exist in your army. Otherwise you wouldn't be so Cavalier about putting all those nuts in your mouth.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, June 18, 2010

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Thank you, Celtics star Paul Pierce, for having the heart of a champion, and the facial hair of a 7th grader who just hit puberty.

Thank you, summer barbecues, fow always having fun family games like horseshoes, croquet, and let's see how many daiquiris Grandma can drink before she gets racist.

Thank you, fancy restaurant wine list, for providing me with plenty of notable choices to ignore while I look for the second-least expensive bottle on the menu.

Thank you, Father's Day, for being the entire reason the Brookstone store exists. Whether it's a personal foot massager or a motorized tie rack, a grill fork, or a motorized tie rack massager grill fork combination. Brookstone's got you covered.

Thank you, weird chest hair at summer pool parties, for making me tell my niece, "No, that's not a Daddy Longlegs, that's four wiry hairs growing out of my nipple".

Thank you, lucky rabbit's foot. Nothing brings me more chronic luck that clutching the severed foot of an unlucky bunny.

Thank you, company in Colorado that created Vegan-friendly condoms, for making it much safer for vegetarians to put meat in their body.

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Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, June 11, 2010

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Thank you, Rafael Nadal, for winning your 5th French Open, and still being less famous in our country than Snooki.

Thank you, the World Cup, for being the best thing besides America's Funniest Home Videos to see balls getting kicked.

Thank you, group of speedwalkers, for looking like a highly focused and technical race to a bathroom.

Thank you, teddy bears, for being way less judgmental than real bears when I try to spoon with you.

Thank you, female paparazzi, for not calling yourself "Mamarazzi".

Thank you, BP, for saying that the oil spill should decrease to a relative trickle by Monday or Tuesday. You know, I saw a relative trickle once. I was ten years old and Grandpa forgot to shut the bathroom door.

Thank you, millipedes, for being approximately ten times more awesome than centipedes.

Thank you, people who wear mirrored sunglasses. It's like I'm looking at you, looking at myself, looking at you, looking at myself, wait, WHO AM I?!?

Thank you, man in Washington who accidentally shot himself in the testicles at a hardware store. Welcome to Ace Hardware, the bolts are in aisle 4, the nuts are splattered all across aisle 7.