Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Thursday, November 25

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Thank you, the kids table, for providing an isolated eating area for both kids and adults that nobody likes.

Thank you, stuffing, for always being delicious, even though you're cooked inside a turkey's butt.

Thank you, the choice between the sofa bed and the inflatable bed at my parents house, for making me choose between choosing between sleeping on poorly placed metal bars or an inflatable raft that leaks cold air until I'm sleeping on the floor.

Thank you, anyone who eats a Tofurky for Thanksgiving. A word of warning to anyone who celebrates Thanksgiving with me, if you eat a Tofurky near me, you can Tofurk yourself.

Thank you, post-Thanksgiving dinner relaxation rituals, for being the one time that Uncle Gary can unbuckle his pants and not be sent to jail.

Thank you, Gizard bag inside the turkey. If I were interested in coming face to face with a moist bag of vital organs, I'd look at the old people across the table.

Thank you, Christmas tree farms. You're the only place in the world where a man carrying an ax in one hand and a toddler in the other is considered normal.

Thank you, wishbones, for being the final f#$% you to the turkey I just devoured.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, November 13, 2009

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Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for wearing the same outfit as Germany's chancellor Angela Merkle. It must have been awkward, but 83% of US Weekly readers said you rocked it harder!

Thank you, Weather Channel, for beginning to air weather-related movies. Like your action film "Barometric Pressure", or your romantic comedy, "Chance of showers". And your late night film, also called "Chance of showers".

Thank you, Country Music Awards, for giving Darius Rucker the best new artist award. He's not new, he's Hootie without the blowfish.

Thank you, Balloon Boy's parents, for admitting it's all a hoax. It's a shame, I had much more respect for you when I thought you just let your kid float away in a balloon.

Thank you, zebras, for showing me what horses would look like if I were on acid.

Thank you, person unwrapping a cough drop during a movie theater. I know you think by unwrapping it slowly, it's less offensive. It's not. I can hear every damn crinkle of that wrapper. Wait, are you rewrapping it so you can unwrap it again?

Thank you, Real Housewives, for spawning a spinoff called "House Husbands". I must say that's awful and ridiculous and when does it start?

Thank you, Lake Titicaca, for being at your lowest level since 1949. I don't care what level you're at, I'm just happy you gave me an excuse to say Titicaca.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, November 6, 2009

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Thank you, Christmas decorations, for going up right after Halloween. Nothing says holidays like my neighbor replacing his plastic dracula with his plastic baby Jesus.

Thank you, Barack Obama's half-brother Mark Obama Dishanga, for being just the latest Presidential sibling to show up out of nowhere, only to embarrass his more famous brother in the White House. Obama has you, Jimmy Carter had Billy, Bill Clinton has Roger, and President Bush, well, he was the embarrassing brother.

Thank you, Chase Utley, for tying Reggie Jackson's record of most home runs during a World Series. Also, thank you for proving that the key to hitting home runs is using an entire tub of LA Looks hair gel before every game.

Thank you, flour, for keeping the paper sack container business alive. Don't wanna change your packaging, huh? Whenever I want to buy you, I feel like Charles Ingulls buying something from Olsen's store.

Thank you, Adam's apple, for being the only way I can tell if someone is a tranny or not.

Thank you, the dishwasher, for never getting my dishes clean, even though that's your only job. Yep, you got a pretty sweet deal, don't you, dishwasher. Don't worry dishwasher, I'm just fooling around. Why do you look so freaked out? Wait, hold on a second dishwasher, why are you wearing a wire? You're a cop! You betrayed me, dishwasher!

Thank you, Pez dispensers, for being little creatures that vomit candy out of your necks.

Thank you, the lightbulb that has been out in my house for the past two months, for reminding me how lazy I am. And when I replace you, it won't be from one I bought, it will be from the least important light in the house.