Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, December 18, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
----------
Thank you, It's A Wonderful Life, for airing nonstop on Christmas Day. I love watching you. Even if your themes of overwhelming debt, unaffordable housing, war, and bank bailouts don't apply today.

Thank you, friend who gives me a Christmas CD on Christmas. Great timing, a-hole. I'm sure I'll play the hell out of it until it becomes useless for the next 11 months.

Thank you, pizza box, for being impossible to dispose of. Thank you for not fitting inside any trash can, trash bin, or trash chute, and thank you for spilling half-eaten crust on me whenever I try to dispose of you.

Thank you, stockings, for being a weird sock that no human could wear. Nothings says "Happy Holidays" like stealing the left sock of a giant, mutated, club-footed elf and nailing it to your fireplace.

Thank you, people who give me homemade jam as a gift. Who are we, Quakers? Exactly how much jam do you think I use? You know that it's going to sit in my fridge for three years until I need to make room for beer.

Thank you, Yes I agree to the terms and conditions box I have to click in order to install software. You know I didn't actually read the terms and conditions. As far as I know, I just clicked the box and became the new face of herpes.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, December 11, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
----------
Thank you, Oprah, for hosting a Christmas special at the White House this Sunday. Not everyone gets to sit down with the leader of the free world. So I'm sure Obama's really excited.

Thank you, office Christmas parties. In these times of economic stress and uncertainty, it's important that employees can come together and find out who the biggest slut in the county is.

Thank you, new MTV reality show Jersey Shore, for making Italian-Americans remember the good-old days of being stereotyped as murderers and racketeers.

Thank you, guy whose chair made a farting noise, for prompting him to spend the next 20 minutes awkwardly shifting around trying to recreate the noise to prove that it was the chair that made the noise.

Thank you, little kid who pushes the little button on the Santa Claus at the drug store. Go ahead, just keep on pushing it so I can hear the electronic version of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" over and over and over again. Wait, stop pushing the button so I can tell you a secret. Santa isn't real.

Thank you, radiator next to my bed. The noises you make resound in my head. The gurgling, the knocking, the hissing and clanging. The whistling, the churdling, the ringing and banging. They wake me and plague me such as the norm. But this ancient device keeps me toasty and warm.

Thank you, guy who buys an entire outfit from one store. You clearly saw the mannequin and thought, "That's the one".

Thank you, computer desktop backround of a beach that has slowly been obscured by several document icons. Now, instead of a tropical paradise, you are an island hell where I'm forced to work all day.

Thank you, Christmas family newsletters that fills my day with important info, like "Great news, Carolyn got her braces off", and, "Great news, Aaron made the basketball team". Well, I've got news for you. NOBODY GIVES A S#%&!