Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 30, 2009

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Thank you, Trick-or-Treaters who are clearly too old to do it. It's nice to give candy to the guys who installed my satellite dish.

Thank you, raisins, for your decades of faithful service as the treat of choice for hippies, cheapskates, and A-holes.

Thank you, rappers who wear flat-brimmed baseball hats, for making my Lego man seem more gangsta.

Thank you, new rule that says we have to sneeze into our arms. Now, when I sneeze, I look like Batman.

Thank you, man in San Diego who threw feces in a courtroom. You shouldn't be throwing feces in a courtroom, unless you are a monkey. I don't think they'd put a monkey on trial anytime soon. Although, could you imagine if they did? That'd be so funny! He'd have to wear a suit and he's carrying a briefcase and his lawyer is a monkey too! And the judge says "Order in the court", and the monkey starts jumping around because the noise scares him. And they sentence him to the death penalty because he murdered somebody.

Thank you, October, for coming to an end. Like my mom always said, "October comes in like a lion and comes out like a slutty nurse".

Thank you, guys at airports who compare my boarding pass and passports. You know what'd be faster? Looking at my face. I'M JIMMY F#@&ING FALLON!

Thank you, the name Lloyd, for starting with two Ls. I'm glad those two Ls are there, because otherwise, I'd call you Loyd.

Thank you, pumpkins, you big orange sons of bitches never fail to make my day.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 16, 2009

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Thank you, New York City, for skipping fall and already becoming cold and wintry again. It's like visiting Narnia every time I walk through a revolving door.

Thank you, the gym, for being exactly like my grandpa - always being there, even though I only visit twice a year.

Thank you, Joe Biden's son Bo, for considering a run for your dad's old senate seat. Here's a campaign slogan: Vote vote Bo Biden, Banana Fanana Fo Fiden, For Senate!

Thank you, customer service guy in India who calls himself Todd, thinking that he'll fool me into thinking he's in Omaha and not in New Delhi. Nice try, Todd. Yes, I'll hold.

Thank you, trees that are losing leaves. Soon, you will be nude and you can't do anything about it. You leafless bitch!

Thank you, Calvin Klein, for creating new men's jeans with padding in the crotch. Thanks to you, I can now wear socks on my feet.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 9, 2009

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Thank you, Rockefeller Ice-skating rink, for opening this week. Because if there's one thing I like more than ice skating, it's watching tourists fall down.

Thank you, Tom DeLay, for once again pushing the limits of fashion during your farewell samba on Dancing With The Stars. Your half elf, half referee, and all front-butt.

Thank you, NASA, for firing that missile at the moon. I think that sent a clear message to all lifeless rocks in our solar system - that orbiting our planet will not be tolerated.

Thank you, Simon Cowell, for turning 50 this week. I got you the same thing I got you every year - a gift card to Lesbian SuperCuts.

Thank you, Yankees, for winning your first playoff game. Just goes to show that all it takes to win is determination, grits, $200 Million, the best pitcher in baseball, home field advantage, facing a team that went 0-7 against you in the regular season, and blew their entire bullpen for a 12-inning one game playoff the night before, and then had to fly halfway across the country to get to the game in time, and a little bit of luck.

Thank you, men in Florida, for wearing masks and robbing a Chuck E Cheese. In prison, you will find out soon enough that "ballpit" means something very different than it does at Chuck E Cheese.

Thank you, sports teams that wear throwback jerseys. Sorry, if I wanna see the Jets, I wanna see them in green, not blue and maize. If you want me to feel like I'm at a game in 1958, charge six bucks for the seats and let me smoke!

Thank you, people who count their money at the ATM and slowly file it away while I stand behind you. Go ahead, take your time! Hey, why not check your balance while your at it. And accidentally hit Spanish so you have to start all over again. Have fun with it.

Thank you, Barack Obama, for still not pulling out of Afghanistan nine months into your presidency. Things get really complicated nine months after not pulling out.

Thank you, woman in Idaho, for accidentally eating your hearing aid this week because you thought it was a Milk Dud. I said THANK YOU FOR ACCIDENTALLY EATING YOUR HEARING AID BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A MILK DUD!

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 2, 2009

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Thank you, Roman Polanski, for getting arrested 31 years after having sex with a 13-year old girl. I mean, sure you made great movies in the 70's, but you know who else did? People who didn't have sex with 13-year old girls.

Thank you, Sarah Palin, for wearing a track jacket on the cover of your new book. That's weird. Aren't Track and Jacket two of your kids?

Thank you, Ken Burns, for your national parks documentary on PBS. You managed to find the only thing in the world more boring than baseball or jazz.

Thank you, urinals that have ice in them. You know exactly what I'm looking for: pee on the rocks. Next time, can I get a twist of lime, maybe salt?

Thank you, the word "prescient". I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but I try to slip you into conversations when I don't think the person I'm talking to knows what you mean either. I knew they didn't know what I was talking about, it was a perfect example of prescient. By the way, I got you a birthday prescient.

Thank you, the Gay Games, for being held in Cleveland in 2014. Quick question: what's your policy on the biathlon?

Thank you, leaves, for starting to change color. You can disguise yourself however you like, but I still know it's you.

Thank you, guy in his 50's who jogs in spandex pants. The good news is, exercise can greatly reduce your chance of heart attack and stroke. The bad news, I can see your nuts.

Thank you, Chinese delivery place, for giving me 3 sets of utensils when SUPRISE, it's just me eating. You should also give a fortune cookie that says, "Are you done now, fatass?".

Thank you, summer fat, for not moving out this month as we originally agreed. You know as well as I do that the winter fat should start moving in, and you should be moving out by next month. I don't know how we'd all fit in here.