Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 2, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, Roman Polanski, for getting arrested 31 years after having sex with a 13-year old girl. I mean, sure you made great movies in the 70's, but you know who else did? People who didn't have sex with 13-year old girls.

Thank you, Sarah Palin, for wearing a track jacket on the cover of your new book. That's weird. Aren't Track and Jacket two of your kids?

Thank you, Ken Burns, for your national parks documentary on PBS. You managed to find the only thing in the world more boring than baseball or jazz.

Thank you, urinals that have ice in them. You know exactly what I'm looking for: pee on the rocks. Next time, can I get a twist of lime, maybe salt?

Thank you, the word "prescient". I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but I try to slip you into conversations when I don't think the person I'm talking to knows what you mean either. I knew they didn't know what I was talking about, it was a perfect example of prescient. By the way, I got you a birthday prescient.

Thank you, the Gay Games, for being held in Cleveland in 2014. Quick question: what's your policy on the biathlon?

Thank you, leaves, for starting to change color. You can disguise yourself however you like, but I still know it's you.

Thank you, guy in his 50's who jogs in spandex pants. The good news is, exercise can greatly reduce your chance of heart attack and stroke. The bad news, I can see your nuts.

Thank you, Chinese delivery place, for giving me 3 sets of utensils when SUPRISE, it's just me eating. You should also give a fortune cookie that says, "Are you done now, fatass?".

Thank you, summer fat, for not moving out this month as we originally agreed. You know as well as I do that the winter fat should start moving in, and you should be moving out by next month. I don't know how we'd all fit in here.