Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 30, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
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Thank you, Trick-or-Treaters who are clearly too old to do it. It's nice to give candy to the guys who installed my satellite dish.

Thank you, raisins, for your decades of faithful service as the treat of choice for hippies, cheapskates, and A-holes.

Thank you, rappers who wear flat-brimmed baseball hats, for making my Lego man seem more gangsta.

Thank you, new rule that says we have to sneeze into our arms. Now, when I sneeze, I look like Batman.

Thank you, man in San Diego who threw feces in a courtroom. You shouldn't be throwing feces in a courtroom, unless you are a monkey. I don't think they'd put a monkey on trial anytime soon. Although, could you imagine if they did? That'd be so funny! He'd have to wear a suit and he's carrying a briefcase and his lawyer is a monkey too! And the judge says "Order in the court", and the monkey starts jumping around because the noise scares him. And they sentence him to the death penalty because he murdered somebody.

Thank you, October, for coming to an end. Like my mom always said, "October comes in like a lion and comes out like a slutty nurse".

Thank you, guys at airports who compare my boarding pass and passports. You know what'd be faster? Looking at my face. I'M JIMMY F#@&ING FALLON!

Thank you, the name Lloyd, for starting with two Ls. I'm glad those two Ls are there, because otherwise, I'd call you Loyd.

Thank you, pumpkins, you big orange sons of bitches never fail to make my day.