Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 9, 2009

TRANSCRIPT
----------
Thank you, Rockefeller Ice-skating rink, for opening this week. Because if there's one thing I like more than ice skating, it's watching tourists fall down.

Thank you, Tom DeLay, for once again pushing the limits of fashion during your farewell samba on Dancing With The Stars. Your half elf, half referee, and all front-butt.

Thank you, NASA, for firing that missile at the moon. I think that sent a clear message to all lifeless rocks in our solar system - that orbiting our planet will not be tolerated.

Thank you, Simon Cowell, for turning 50 this week. I got you the same thing I got you every year - a gift card to Lesbian SuperCuts.

Thank you, Yankees, for winning your first playoff game. Just goes to show that all it takes to win is determination, grits, $200 Million, the best pitcher in baseball, home field advantage, facing a team that went 0-7 against you in the regular season, and blew their entire bullpen for a 12-inning one game playoff the night before, and then had to fly halfway across the country to get to the game in time, and a little bit of luck.

Thank you, men in Florida, for wearing masks and robbing a Chuck E Cheese. In prison, you will find out soon enough that "ballpit" means something very different than it does at Chuck E Cheese.

Thank you, sports teams that wear throwback jerseys. Sorry, if I wanna see the Jets, I wanna see them in green, not blue and maize. If you want me to feel like I'm at a game in 1958, charge six bucks for the seats and let me smoke!

Thank you, people who count their money at the ATM and slowly file it away while I stand behind you. Go ahead, take your time! Hey, why not check your balance while your at it. And accidentally hit Spanish so you have to start all over again. Have fun with it.

Thank you, Barack Obama, for still not pulling out of Afghanistan nine months into your presidency. Things get really complicated nine months after not pulling out.

Thank you, woman in Idaho, for accidentally eating your hearing aid this week because you thought it was a Milk Dud. I said THANK YOU FOR ACCIDENTALLY EATING YOUR HEARING AID BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A MILK DUD!