Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 18, 2010

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Thank you, Larry King, for making cougars feel like jailbait.

Thank you, girls who wear jeans tucked into their boots, for rocking a look that's only looks appropriate on a German army base or the deck of the Millenium fountain.

Thank you, National Library Week. I'm sorry. (whispers) Thank you National Library Week.

Thank you, spring cleaning, for being a great way to organize your home, and a horrible way to say you got enema.

Thank you, pens at the bank, for being attached to a tiny chain on the desk. Don't worry, nobody's gonna steal you, you germstick.

Thank you, skinny dude with long beautiful hair, for making me say, "Man, I gotta get a better look at this WOAH!".

Thank you, people who make me take my shoes off when I visit your house. I hope everyone feels uncomfortable and everything smells like feet.

Thank you, Kleenex lotion tissues, for not telling us how you got the idea for combining lotion and tissues.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 9, 2010

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Thank you, Kate Gosselin, for saying you don't care what others think about you. By others, I think you mean your 8 kids.

Thank you, fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for showing me what it would look like if Jabba the Hut made it with Princess Leia.

Thank you, guy who feels it's totally cool to fart and wall away. Look dude, if you're going to paint this picture, you better prepare to stare at it.

Thank you, didgeridoos. Your sounds are vibrant, weird, and say, "Hey, you can get weed over here.

Thank you, manhole that exploded in the middle of Manhattan this week, for showing us what's gonna happen when the battle of the mole people finally goes down. And even though I'm 35, thank you for making me laugh when someone says, "Exploding manhole".

Thank you, Tiger Woods, for saying that you were blown away by all your fans.

Thank you, salad dressing, for making sure that my salads are never undressed sluts.

Thank you, really good looking people in beer ads. Who are you? The beer drinkers I know are flabby duds.

Thank you, weather and traffic, for being the two things I can always talk about with old people.

Thank you, guys in ads for erectile dysfunction medication, for looking like you are having so much fun. You know, for a bunch of dudes with non-working weiners, you sure had a lot of fun at that jazz club.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, April 2, 2010

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Thank you, Ricky Martin, for stunning us with the announcing that you're gay. Apparently she bangs, she bangs everyone but you.

Thank you, people who say, "Wow you're really photogenic", for not saying, "Wow, you're really ugly in person".

Thank you, antipasto, for really being against pasto.

Thank you, April Fools Day, for being the worst day to get a phone call saying you've been diagnosed with gonorrhea.

Thank you, 35-year old guy whose name is also Justin Bieber. Good luck introducing yourself to people the rest of your life.

Thank you, postcards, for ditching the envelope and letting the private message out for all the world to see.

Thank you, crutches, for showing me how people would walk if our legs came out our armpits.

Thank you, softball, for being like baseball for women and drunks.

Thank you, Lifetime Network original movies, for teaching us that anyone with a penis is probably a terrible person.