Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, December 18, 2009

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Thank you, It's A Wonderful Life, for airing nonstop on Christmas Day. I love watching you. Even if your themes of overwhelming debt, unaffordable housing, war, and bank bailouts don't apply today.

Thank you, friend who gives me a Christmas CD on Christmas. Great timing, a-hole. I'm sure I'll play the hell out of it until it becomes useless for the next 11 months.

Thank you, pizza box, for being impossible to dispose of. Thank you for not fitting inside any trash can, trash bin, or trash chute, and thank you for spilling half-eaten crust on me whenever I try to dispose of you.

Thank you, stockings, for being a weird sock that no human could wear. Nothings says "Happy Holidays" like stealing the left sock of a giant, mutated, club-footed elf and nailing it to your fireplace.

Thank you, people who give me homemade jam as a gift. Who are we, Quakers? Exactly how much jam do you think I use? You know that it's going to sit in my fridge for three years until I need to make room for beer.

Thank you, Yes I agree to the terms and conditions box I have to click in order to install software. You know I didn't actually read the terms and conditions. As far as I know, I just clicked the box and became the new face of herpes.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, December 11, 2009

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Thank you, Oprah, for hosting a Christmas special at the White House this Sunday. Not everyone gets to sit down with the leader of the free world. So I'm sure Obama's really excited.

Thank you, office Christmas parties. In these times of economic stress and uncertainty, it's important that employees can come together and find out who the biggest slut in the county is.

Thank you, new MTV reality show Jersey Shore, for making Italian-Americans remember the good-old days of being stereotyped as murderers and racketeers.

Thank you, guy whose chair made a farting noise, for prompting him to spend the next 20 minutes awkwardly shifting around trying to recreate the noise to prove that it was the chair that made the noise.

Thank you, little kid who pushes the little button on the Santa Claus at the drug store. Go ahead, just keep on pushing it so I can hear the electronic version of "Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree" over and over and over again. Wait, stop pushing the button so I can tell you a secret. Santa isn't real.

Thank you, radiator next to my bed. The noises you make resound in my head. The gurgling, the knocking, the hissing and clanging. The whistling, the churdling, the ringing and banging. They wake me and plague me such as the norm. But this ancient device keeps me toasty and warm.

Thank you, guy who buys an entire outfit from one store. You clearly saw the mannequin and thought, "That's the one".

Thank you, computer desktop backround of a beach that has slowly been obscured by several document icons. Now, instead of a tropical paradise, you are an island hell where I'm forced to work all day.

Thank you, Christmas family newsletters that fills my day with important info, like "Great news, Carolyn got her braces off", and, "Great news, Aaron made the basketball team". Well, I've got news for you. NOBODY GIVES A S#%&!

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Thursday, November 25

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Thank you, the kids table, for providing an isolated eating area for both kids and adults that nobody likes.

Thank you, stuffing, for always being delicious, even though you're cooked inside a turkey's butt.

Thank you, the choice between the sofa bed and the inflatable bed at my parents house, for making me choose between choosing between sleeping on poorly placed metal bars or an inflatable raft that leaks cold air until I'm sleeping on the floor.

Thank you, anyone who eats a Tofurky for Thanksgiving. A word of warning to anyone who celebrates Thanksgiving with me, if you eat a Tofurky near me, you can Tofurk yourself.

Thank you, post-Thanksgiving dinner relaxation rituals, for being the one time that Uncle Gary can unbuckle his pants and not be sent to jail.

Thank you, Gizard bag inside the turkey. If I were interested in coming face to face with a moist bag of vital organs, I'd look at the old people across the table.

Thank you, Christmas tree farms. You're the only place in the world where a man carrying an ax in one hand and a toddler in the other is considered normal.

Thank you, wishbones, for being the final f#$% you to the turkey I just devoured.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, November 13, 2009

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Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for wearing the same outfit as Germany's chancellor Angela Merkle. It must have been awkward, but 83% of US Weekly readers said you rocked it harder!

Thank you, Weather Channel, for beginning to air weather-related movies. Like your action film "Barometric Pressure", or your romantic comedy, "Chance of showers". And your late night film, also called "Chance of showers".

Thank you, Country Music Awards, for giving Darius Rucker the best new artist award. He's not new, he's Hootie without the blowfish.

Thank you, Balloon Boy's parents, for admitting it's all a hoax. It's a shame, I had much more respect for you when I thought you just let your kid float away in a balloon.

Thank you, zebras, for showing me what horses would look like if I were on acid.

Thank you, person unwrapping a cough drop during a movie theater. I know you think by unwrapping it slowly, it's less offensive. It's not. I can hear every damn crinkle of that wrapper. Wait, are you rewrapping it so you can unwrap it again?

Thank you, Real Housewives, for spawning a spinoff called "House Husbands". I must say that's awful and ridiculous and when does it start?

Thank you, Lake Titicaca, for being at your lowest level since 1949. I don't care what level you're at, I'm just happy you gave me an excuse to say Titicaca.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, November 6, 2009

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Thank you, Christmas decorations, for going up right after Halloween. Nothing says holidays like my neighbor replacing his plastic dracula with his plastic baby Jesus.

Thank you, Barack Obama's half-brother Mark Obama Dishanga, for being just the latest Presidential sibling to show up out of nowhere, only to embarrass his more famous brother in the White House. Obama has you, Jimmy Carter had Billy, Bill Clinton has Roger, and President Bush, well, he was the embarrassing brother.

Thank you, Chase Utley, for tying Reggie Jackson's record of most home runs during a World Series. Also, thank you for proving that the key to hitting home runs is using an entire tub of LA Looks hair gel before every game.

Thank you, flour, for keeping the paper sack container business alive. Don't wanna change your packaging, huh? Whenever I want to buy you, I feel like Charles Ingulls buying something from Olsen's store.

Thank you, Adam's apple, for being the only way I can tell if someone is a tranny or not.

Thank you, the dishwasher, for never getting my dishes clean, even though that's your only job. Yep, you got a pretty sweet deal, don't you, dishwasher. Don't worry dishwasher, I'm just fooling around. Why do you look so freaked out? Wait, hold on a second dishwasher, why are you wearing a wire? You're a cop! You betrayed me, dishwasher!

Thank you, Pez dispensers, for being little creatures that vomit candy out of your necks.

Thank you, the lightbulb that has been out in my house for the past two months, for reminding me how lazy I am. And when I replace you, it won't be from one I bought, it will be from the least important light in the house.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 30, 2009

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Thank you, Trick-or-Treaters who are clearly too old to do it. It's nice to give candy to the guys who installed my satellite dish.

Thank you, raisins, for your decades of faithful service as the treat of choice for hippies, cheapskates, and A-holes.

Thank you, rappers who wear flat-brimmed baseball hats, for making my Lego man seem more gangsta.

Thank you, new rule that says we have to sneeze into our arms. Now, when I sneeze, I look like Batman.

Thank you, man in San Diego who threw feces in a courtroom. You shouldn't be throwing feces in a courtroom, unless you are a monkey. I don't think they'd put a monkey on trial anytime soon. Although, could you imagine if they did? That'd be so funny! He'd have to wear a suit and he's carrying a briefcase and his lawyer is a monkey too! And the judge says "Order in the court", and the monkey starts jumping around because the noise scares him. And they sentence him to the death penalty because he murdered somebody.

Thank you, October, for coming to an end. Like my mom always said, "October comes in like a lion and comes out like a slutty nurse".

Thank you, guys at airports who compare my boarding pass and passports. You know what'd be faster? Looking at my face. I'M JIMMY F#@&ING FALLON!

Thank you, the name Lloyd, for starting with two Ls. I'm glad those two Ls are there, because otherwise, I'd call you Loyd.

Thank you, pumpkins, you big orange sons of bitches never fail to make my day.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 16, 2009

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Thank you, New York City, for skipping fall and already becoming cold and wintry again. It's like visiting Narnia every time I walk through a revolving door.

Thank you, the gym, for being exactly like my grandpa - always being there, even though I only visit twice a year.

Thank you, Joe Biden's son Bo, for considering a run for your dad's old senate seat. Here's a campaign slogan: Vote vote Bo Biden, Banana Fanana Fo Fiden, For Senate!

Thank you, customer service guy in India who calls himself Todd, thinking that he'll fool me into thinking he's in Omaha and not in New Delhi. Nice try, Todd. Yes, I'll hold.

Thank you, trees that are losing leaves. Soon, you will be nude and you can't do anything about it. You leafless bitch!

Thank you, Calvin Klein, for creating new men's jeans with padding in the crotch. Thanks to you, I can now wear socks on my feet.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 9, 2009

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Thank you, Rockefeller Ice-skating rink, for opening this week. Because if there's one thing I like more than ice skating, it's watching tourists fall down.

Thank you, Tom DeLay, for once again pushing the limits of fashion during your farewell samba on Dancing With The Stars. Your half elf, half referee, and all front-butt.

Thank you, NASA, for firing that missile at the moon. I think that sent a clear message to all lifeless rocks in our solar system - that orbiting our planet will not be tolerated.

Thank you, Simon Cowell, for turning 50 this week. I got you the same thing I got you every year - a gift card to Lesbian SuperCuts.

Thank you, Yankees, for winning your first playoff game. Just goes to show that all it takes to win is determination, grits, $200 Million, the best pitcher in baseball, home field advantage, facing a team that went 0-7 against you in the regular season, and blew their entire bullpen for a 12-inning one game playoff the night before, and then had to fly halfway across the country to get to the game in time, and a little bit of luck.

Thank you, men in Florida, for wearing masks and robbing a Chuck E Cheese. In prison, you will find out soon enough that "ballpit" means something very different than it does at Chuck E Cheese.

Thank you, sports teams that wear throwback jerseys. Sorry, if I wanna see the Jets, I wanna see them in green, not blue and maize. If you want me to feel like I'm at a game in 1958, charge six bucks for the seats and let me smoke!

Thank you, people who count their money at the ATM and slowly file it away while I stand behind you. Go ahead, take your time! Hey, why not check your balance while your at it. And accidentally hit Spanish so you have to start all over again. Have fun with it.

Thank you, Barack Obama, for still not pulling out of Afghanistan nine months into your presidency. Things get really complicated nine months after not pulling out.

Thank you, woman in Idaho, for accidentally eating your hearing aid this week because you thought it was a Milk Dud. I said THANK YOU FOR ACCIDENTALLY EATING YOUR HEARING AID BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A MILK DUD!

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, October 2, 2009

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Thank you, Roman Polanski, for getting arrested 31 years after having sex with a 13-year old girl. I mean, sure you made great movies in the 70's, but you know who else did? People who didn't have sex with 13-year old girls.

Thank you, Sarah Palin, for wearing a track jacket on the cover of your new book. That's weird. Aren't Track and Jacket two of your kids?

Thank you, Ken Burns, for your national parks documentary on PBS. You managed to find the only thing in the world more boring than baseball or jazz.

Thank you, urinals that have ice in them. You know exactly what I'm looking for: pee on the rocks. Next time, can I get a twist of lime, maybe salt?

Thank you, the word "prescient". I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but I try to slip you into conversations when I don't think the person I'm talking to knows what you mean either. I knew they didn't know what I was talking about, it was a perfect example of prescient. By the way, I got you a birthday prescient.

Thank you, the Gay Games, for being held in Cleveland in 2014. Quick question: what's your policy on the biathlon?

Thank you, leaves, for starting to change color. You can disguise yourself however you like, but I still know it's you.

Thank you, guy in his 50's who jogs in spandex pants. The good news is, exercise can greatly reduce your chance of heart attack and stroke. The bad news, I can see your nuts.

Thank you, Chinese delivery place, for giving me 3 sets of utensils when SUPRISE, it's just me eating. You should also give a fortune cookie that says, "Are you done now, fatass?".

Thank you, summer fat, for not moving out this month as we originally agreed. You know as well as I do that the winter fat should start moving in, and you should be moving out by next month. I don't know how we'd all fit in here.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, September 18, 2009

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Thank you, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke, for saying that the recession is "most likely over". Nothing puts me at ease and restores my confidence like a nice firm "most likely".

Thank you, celebrity couple nicknames, for not naming the Jennifer Aniston - Gerard Butler relationship "Anis-But".

Thank you, people you may know on Facebook, for introducing me to someone that I actually don't want to know. You should be more accurately titled, "People I do know, but am avoiding".

Thank you, "Cocoon". Out of all the movies from the 80's featuring old people swimming in pools filled with alien pods, you are by far the best. Everyone knows I gots to have my Gutenberg.

Thank you, internet pop-up ads, where it's impossible to find where to click to close. Or the ones that suddenly appear and block you from clicking a link you really want to click, and disappear when you move the cursor away, but reappear when you try again. You are so awesome!

Thank you, Hungary. Hey, if you're so Hungary, why don't you invade Turkey?

Thank you, hotel minibar, for charging $7 for a mini toblaron, and thank you me for eating three of them.

Thank you, posters for "Fringe". When I see you in the corner of my eye, I think you're a poster for Pringles. Hey, for what it's worth, I'd watch a sci-fi drama called "Pringles".

Thank you, toilet cleaner 2000 flushes, for not lying when you say you last for 3000 flushes. Because the truth is, you could. It's not like I'm gonna count flushes or anything. Or am I...

Thank you, my 35th birthday tomorrow, for making my audience give me a huge applause.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, September 4, 2009

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Thank you, Preseason Football, for having all the excitement, commercials, and time-outs as the regular season, but with none of the mattering.

Thank you, Bristol Palin's ex-boyfriend Levi Johnston, for announcing your intention to pose nude for Playgirl. I speak for all Americans when I say, "We don't want to see any more of Levi, and we definitely don't want to see his Johnston".

Thank you, Jon Gosselin's pool party in Vegas. You're the reason chlorine was invented.

Thank you, guy with the $10,000 sound system in his $800 car, for driving down Broadway this afternoon. You're loud, you're proud, you're in a '93 Turcel.

Thank you, Chris Brown, for wearing a bowtie on your Larry King appearance. Although I thought the black and blue combination was a little insensitive.

Thank you, guy at my dry cleaner's, for charging me $11 to clean my dress shirt. It clearly doesn't cost that much, but you know I'll pay for it anyway because I'm not sure what you do, or how much it should cost. In fact, I'm 99% sure you ironed it and put a plastic sheet over it.

Thank you, Fantasy Football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I'm bad at sports.

Thank you, newly discovered virus linked to Penile cancer, for making me say the words "Penile Cancer". I don't think I have Penile Cancer, but maybe I'm destined penile.

Thank you, guy sitting in front of me in the airplane who decided to recline his seat back all the way. Go ahead, stretch out. You should have a bed, especially if it comes at the expense of me having a lap. And every few minutes or so, why don't you try and lean back some more and jab it in and try to see if you've truly gone as far back as possible. FYI you have. Just don't blame me when I point my air nozzle at your head. Just my way of saying thanks.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, August 14, 2009

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Thank you, dog Snuggie, for allowing us to embarass dogs in a way never imagined possible. You did it. Thanks for that.

Thank you, Dick Cheney, for announcing your new tell-all memoir. I'm sure it will be a best seller, and give the publishing world a much needed shot in the face.

Thank you, Health Care town hall meetings, for combining a quaint small town potluck dinner with fight club. Question: What's the first rule about town hall fight club? Yeah, exactly.

Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for being 16 and acting like a stripper on the Teen Choice Awards. If you really want to piss off your dad, why not just cut off his allowance.

Thank you, Philadelphia Eagles, for signing Michael Vick. Thank you for not being named the Philadelphia Beagles.

Thank you, slow-walking families on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too. You create a sort of barricade of idiots. I'm so thankful that you forced me to walk on the street and risk getting hit by a car so I can resume walking at a normal human pace.

Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for showing the Congo and the rest of the world that you won't take crap from nobody. You pulled out your earbuds and were ready to go Jerry Springer on that dude. Also, taking out your earbuds is the new, "Yo, go hold my jacket while I kick some ass". Thank you.

Thank you, Insurance company death panels, for unplugging Grandma and freeing an outlet for our new Chevy Volt.

Thank you, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon audience that is attending our 100th episode, for not just being a great audience, but for being one of our top 100 audiences of all time.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, August 7, 2009

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Thank you, Discovery Channel, for Shark Week. It's a week full of sharks. Thank you.

Thank you, shirtless Putin, for reminding us that even world leaders have nipples.

Thank you, Twitter, for crashing for several hours yesterday and making me focus on more important things, like clicking the "Refresh" button over and over again until you came back.

Thank you, ants in the kitchen sink, for allowing every day to start with murder. Every day you take the paper towel express to Toiletville. And yet more of you arrive the next morning. I don't get it, ants. But thank you.

Thank you, Arena Football League, for your 22 years of service. I will miss all the time we spent together. Like when I would be flipping through the channels and I'd say, "Hey, Arena Football. I should watch this sometime". And then change the channel.

Thank you, Kim Jong-Il, for the International equivalent of "Your ball landed in my yard. If you want it, you better come ring my bell and ask for it". You run your country the same way my grandma ran her front porch. My grandma has the same glasses, too.

Thank you, Bill Clinton, for bringing the two American journalists back from North Korea. Not only did you bring the girls home, but they were also debriefed. Congrats.

Thank you, DVR Remote Control, for your incredibly confusing response time. I push rewind five times and nothing happens, so I push it again and suddenly I'm all the way back to the beginning of the show, so I have to fast forward again. Why won't you just work, DVR remote? You're so confusing. Thank you.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes for Friday, July 24, 2009

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Thank you, Barack Obama, for the flowing jean pants you wore at the All-Star Game. They willowed gracefully in the wind like a denim eagle.

Thank you, Chris Brown, for proving that you can apologize while also looking like a chef from Star Trek Voyager.

Thank you, Taco Bell chihuahua, for your many years of faithful service as a mildly offensive Mexican stereotype.

Thank you, the word "moist", for being the worst word ever. I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we don't want you as a word anymore. God, I hate you.

Thank you, unmanned predator drone, for the 85% chance that you killed one of Osama bin Laden's 36 sons.

Thank you, online Boggle, for allowing me to match wits with other sad lonely people at 3:00 in the morning.

Thank you, Michelle Obama's new haircut, for drawing attention away from her sleevelessness.

Thank you, 1990's sitcom Family Matters, for being able to air back to back reruns where the first episode's summary is Laura looks for a prom date, and the next one is, Urkel and Carl go back in time aboard a 1700's pirate ship.