Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, August 14, 2009

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Thank you, dog Snuggie, for allowing us to embarass dogs in a way never imagined possible. You did it. Thanks for that.

Thank you, Dick Cheney, for announcing your new tell-all memoir. I'm sure it will be a best seller, and give the publishing world a much needed shot in the face.

Thank you, Health Care town hall meetings, for combining a quaint small town potluck dinner with fight club. Question: What's the first rule about town hall fight club? Yeah, exactly.

Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for being 16 and acting like a stripper on the Teen Choice Awards. If you really want to piss off your dad, why not just cut off his allowance.

Thank you, Philadelphia Eagles, for signing Michael Vick. Thank you for not being named the Philadelphia Beagles.

Thank you, slow-walking families on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too. You create a sort of barricade of idiots. I'm so thankful that you forced me to walk on the street and risk getting hit by a car so I can resume walking at a normal human pace.

Thank you, Hillary Clinton, for showing the Congo and the rest of the world that you won't take crap from nobody. You pulled out your earbuds and were ready to go Jerry Springer on that dude. Also, taking out your earbuds is the new, "Yo, go hold my jacket while I kick some ass". Thank you.

Thank you, Insurance company death panels, for unplugging Grandma and freeing an outlet for our new Chevy Volt.

Thank you, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon audience that is attending our 100th episode, for not just being a great audience, but for being one of our top 100 audiences of all time.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes from Friday, August 7, 2009

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Thank you, Discovery Channel, for Shark Week. It's a week full of sharks. Thank you.

Thank you, shirtless Putin, for reminding us that even world leaders have nipples.

Thank you, Twitter, for crashing for several hours yesterday and making me focus on more important things, like clicking the "Refresh" button over and over again until you came back.

Thank you, ants in the kitchen sink, for allowing every day to start with murder. Every day you take the paper towel express to Toiletville. And yet more of you arrive the next morning. I don't get it, ants. But thank you.

Thank you, Arena Football League, for your 22 years of service. I will miss all the time we spent together. Like when I would be flipping through the channels and I'd say, "Hey, Arena Football. I should watch this sometime". And then change the channel.

Thank you, Kim Jong-Il, for the International equivalent of "Your ball landed in my yard. If you want it, you better come ring my bell and ask for it". You run your country the same way my grandma ran her front porch. My grandma has the same glasses, too.

Thank you, Bill Clinton, for bringing the two American journalists back from North Korea. Not only did you bring the girls home, but they were also debriefed. Congrats.

Thank you, DVR Remote Control, for your incredibly confusing response time. I push rewind five times and nothing happens, so I push it again and suddenly I'm all the way back to the beginning of the show, so I have to fast forward again. Why won't you just work, DVR remote? You're so confusing. Thank you.