Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, March 26, 2010

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Thank you, Buzz Aldrin, for appearing on Season 10 of Dancing With The Stars. You've inspired children all around the world to say, "Mom, Dad, when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut who dresses up like a Mater Dee of a Mexican restaurant and calls himself "Sparkle Taco".

Thank you, heavy dudes who don't make their tie long enough, for looking like you paid me Tuesday for a hamburger today.

Thank you, bathroom attendant who hands me a towel, for making me feel guilty for not handing them a dollar. And thank you me, for lying and saying I'll hand them a dollar the next time. We both know I'm never coming back to this restaurant.

Thank you, Cleveland Indians mascot, for answering the question, "What would it be like if someone drew a picture so racist it could never be a baseball mascot?".

Thank you, me from 3 months ago, for promising that I'll get in shape during the winter. You lying sack of shit. It's 4:00, put down the Cinnabon.

Thank you, restaurants that advertise breakfast all day, for saying, "Try getting this at a place not terrible".

Thank you, motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I look like I'm waving to a wall robot.

Thank you, marshmallow Peeps, for being somehow much easier to snack on than real baby chickens.

Thank you, Michelle "Bombshell" McGee, for wearing that same Ed Hardy shirt in every photo. Oh, that's your skin.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, March 12, 2010

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Thank you, Carlos Slim, who was named the World's Richest Man by Forbes Magazine, for being the only billionaire in the world with the name of a pimp.

Thank you, person I'm walking behind who happens to be walking to the same place as I am, for making me feel like I'm following them. And when I say, "I'm not following you", you don't feel at ease.

Thank you, receipts from Best Buy, for being unnecessarily long. Hey, thanks for buying the 4th season of Lost, here's a whole rain forest.

Thank you, ESPN Classic, for being a really exciting channel to watch if you just came out of a coma.

Thank you, eyebrows, for being there. Because if you weren't, we'd all look pretty weird.

Thank you, adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh on the back, for being the perfect way of saying, "Look, I'm 80 years old".

Thank you, birthday card I'm writing in the car outside of a birthday party, for proving that I need to make changes to my life. Happy birthday!

Thank you, the expression "With all due respect", for reminding me that somebody is going to tell me something with absolutely zero respect.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Friday, March 5, 2010

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Thank you, air traffic controller at JFK, for letting your kids have something they will cherish for the rest of their lives. An unemployed father.

Thank you, yesterday, for being National Grammar Day. And sorry Grandma for the confusion.

Thank you, American Idol, for probably not being a White conspiracy, even though I just realized that Ryan Seacrest is an anagram for Aryan secrets.

Thank you, closing ceremonies of the Olympics, for looking like the World's Largest Gallagher concert.

Thank you, Oscar losers, for doing your best acting when you find out the bad news. Your forced, frozen smiles demonstrate the kind of acting you should have demonstrated when you had the chance.

Thank you, tiny children who call spaghetti pasghetti. Just because you're tiny doesn't mean you get to talk like an idiot.

Thank you, man who's suing the CBS show "The Doctors" for supposedly tricking him into having penis surgery on national TV. That was a dick move on their part. You really got the shaft. That was really wong.

Thank you, Good health avocado oil potato chips. Cut the crap, your a f@#%ing potato chip.

Jimmy Fallon's Thank You Notes From Wednesday, March 3, 2010 - WITH BOB COSTAS

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Thank you, men's speedskating uniforms, for leaving nothing to the imagination. We get it, it's really cold in there.

Thank you, biathlon, for having athletes ski around with rifles. We have that in America, but we call it the NBA.

Thank you, speedskaters, for simulating what it would be like if a handcuffed guy tried to get away on rollerblades.

Thank you, Apolo Ohno, for winning an American record of most medals won in an Olympics. You are to frozen water what Michael Phelps is to liquid water. Ohno he didn't! Ohno he did!

Thank you, 1/100 of a second, for apparently being a huge crapload of time.

Thank you, Bob Costas and Cris Collinsworth, for having an endless supply of dapper tweets and pocket squares. If sharp dressing was an Olympic event, you'd wipe the floor with dickbutt.

Thank you, Olympics, for being the first televised event to top American Idol in over six years. And also, Olympics and American Idol, for featuring Ellen DeGeneres.